Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
You Might Also Like
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?