Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction