recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.