recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
turning my gender off to conserve energy
i love modern commerce
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
my professor scared me for a second
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.