Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool