Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
all that yoga finally paid off
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.