Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
You Might Also Like
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
lol
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it