@bingowings14: Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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@david8hughes: POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON'T KNOW BUT WE'RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
@squirrel74wkgn: Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you'd like to wander the house at 3am.
@mikeleffingwell: Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they're singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: (6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime) 6: Just be still, Momma. I'm pretending to shave off your eyebrows.