Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.