*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I am yelling
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song