Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.