@RamblingMachine: Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
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@pixelatedboat: For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won't dig you up and slap you around when I'm feeling mad at skeletons
@outrrracheous: Remember: You don't owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.
@TheWoodenslurpy: If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
@TheAlexNevil: Him: What's that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well? Lassie (sigh): Let's go over it again: 1 bark means I'm hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3