@TheNardvark: Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
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@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
@duplicitron: If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
@Discourt: For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
@inmynewskin: I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.