When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
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When ur friends with white people
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My neck my back my allergy attack
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with