Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Something Saturday.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.