*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.