Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
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My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good