Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
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Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My work here is don’t.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
This was my dad’s browser history.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.