*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread