Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It鈥檚 like doing all your homework on Friday so you don鈥檛 need to worry the rest of the weekend
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Anakin: 鈥s it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn鈥攁nd teach鈥攋ust about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
There鈥檚 nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don鈥檛 trust them with cash.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I鈥檝e gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
4: remember when mommy didn鈥檛 have her strap on?
Husband: she didn鈥檛 have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn鈥檛 even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Matt Goss
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won鈥檛 stop texting me.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
This meal prepping shit easy
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on