Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
You Might Also Like
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Anyone want a chair?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog