You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Natty or not?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Ghost costume 😂
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell