The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
You Might Also Like
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.