my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?