police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Okay, I’m still confused…
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.