To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Not all heroes wear capes.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal