I have never heard an armadillo before.
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work