Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
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Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.