Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong