Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Think I pulled my liver
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.