[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
do horses think humans are hats
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
For anyone who needs this today
#Caturday
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.