Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?