RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
The three genders
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.