relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Usage Guidelines
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and