Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Bootstraps
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten