Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Doctors texting each other.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.