He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
My boss called in sick of me
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said