@Dr_awfulpants: Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
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@thepunningman: Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I'll be banned for life. But I'm willing to take the whisk.
@samlymatters: If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
@WICKEDTRUTH01: *Takes your face in my hands* *Looks deep into your eyes* *Whispers "You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you" *