@Dr_awfulpants: Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.
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@mortimermaiden: *breaks glass* *pulls fire alarm* [outside] Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.
@hipchkk: I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"
@UncleBob56: Wife: What's your fantasy? Me: It involves your mom. W: Your disgusting! M: W: What is it? M: I always wished she'd taught you how to cook.
@aveuaskew: *walks into interview* Thanks for coming in today. I'm Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil. *walks out of interview*