<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.