Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.