i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
A friend helps you before you need it
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?