Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
LOL!
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!