You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?