When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
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“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.