Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much