*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.