*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish