*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
pelicons
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.