remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
You Might Also Like
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Money is the root of all wealth
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
those birds must be on payroll
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”