remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
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On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next