Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first