Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Hero horse inspires millions
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Watson was Holmes schooled
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]