Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
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I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.