Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.