I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*