Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
#Caturday
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
not to brag, but mine was free
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.